Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping. He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, “No, I’ve just eaten some ice-cream.”
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine.”
“Have you ever served in the military?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles…
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don’t you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Thinking about changing his name to Sonic…
Not 30 seconds after leaving the house to head to my daughter’s open house at school (approximately 5 miles down the street), the texting begins. When I got home, he sent me a text from downstairs asking me for ice cream. What have I done?
